End of Hell-Week Benefits
by Dave S.

I just cant seem to get enough of it. In recognition of the fact you made it though Hell Week, I smoked 3 packs a day for 28 years and have a collection of my reflections on my second week, the week I spent after Hell Week, it was a special week, it was the week...:

1.) I cleaned out my office, den, and car that were all beginning to look like the bottom of a birdcage from the 129 pounds of sunflower seeds I consumed the week before.

2.) I canceled the Target semi trailer bringing my next shipment of Nicoderm patches and gum, actually read the instructions and followed them, and removed the approximately 31 patches stuck to every part of my body including my, well never mind I wont even go there. I also canceled my RFP I had published in the paper for bids on 120 pallets of patches.

3.) I released all of my hostages unharmed, though they are all still are undergoing therapy from the EAP person at RJReynolds.

4.) I stopped snorting and smoking Zyban and found out it worked pretty darned good by just swallowing it. My dose was down to just 2 pills a day too!

5.) The dog came out from the bed and urinated for 11 and 1/2 minutes while shaking violently, talk about urinary retention!

6.) I got a key to the new locks on the house from my family, even though they still weren't speaking to me until week 3.

7.) Both children started calling me dad again and stopped referring to me as Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness

8.) My wife put the butter knives, and scissors (fiskars only), out again and told me where she hid the ammunition to my BB gun at.

9.) My wife also canceled her appointment with the world renown divorce attorney.

10.)Security didn't need to respond to the investigate the loud noises coming form the Facilities Engineers office anymore.

11.) My boss stopped posting my resume on the Internet

12.) Other motorists stopped pulling of the road when they saw me coming.

13.) The children didn't have to wear hearing protection in the car while listening to Metallica at a full 125 watts

14.) My wife took the red "SEND HELP" sign out of the front window

15.) County SWAT team was taken off alert

16.) I stopped getting informative brochures on anger management from the employee assistance lady at work.

17.) I canceled my appointments at the Sleep Disorder Clinic, and Anger Management Support Group.

18.) The Hospital where I worked didn't need to give any more OSHA Violence in the Workplace, and Bloodborne Pathogens in-services in which I seemed to be the only attendee.

19.) The sheriff stopped driving by my house every 15 minutes

20.) I plastered up the 2 holes in my wall I had made the week before

21.) I got my daily calorie consumption down to under 25,000 calories a day

22.) I got my teeth capped from where I had ground them down during the 2 hours I slept the week before.

23.) I replaced all 7 broken phones and retrieved the cordless phone from where I had thrown it in the woods, but the cell phone has not been seen since.

24.) Got my jogging down to under 20 miles a day, and the Hersheys bars I ate while jogging down to less than 100.

25.)Information Services removed the 6 each fiberoptic T1 trunk lines to my office and 12 PC's I had to communicate with Blairsville!

Thanks, DaveS --